Lots of things have changed in the almost 2 years since I've posted.... But one year-long consistency is the smile on my face, and the man in my life, Jason. I would never have pictured the last year going by as fast as it has, or with him... He is my rock, my love, and my best friend.
More about him later.
Below is something that I found pertinent to life today, closing in on 1-year with Jason and all the changes that will be happening in the next 45 days with him:
Rules for love.
1. When it arrives, cherish it.
2. Whatever you accept, you will get.
3. Understand that love is a mirror—it will show us who we are if we allow it to.
4. Only we can make ourselves happy, it is not the other person’s responsibility.
5. Don’t say words with the intent to hurt.
6. Accept and forgive easily.
7. Don’t be scared to disagree, it is healthy.
8. Never be too busy for each other.
9. Do not punish.
10. Accept honest criticism, it is good for us.
11. Admit when you are wrong, quickly.
12. Support each other when the going gets tough.
13. Live in the moment—be present.
14. Leave the past where it belongs.
15. Leave drama out of it.
16. Don’t try to control.
17. Allow a small amount of jealousy.
18. Don’t use comparisons.
19. Celebrate differences.
20. Communicate openly and honestly.
21. Listen very carefully.
22. Don’t judge.
23. Don’t manipulate to get results.
24. Learn and grow.
25. Don’t try to change each other.
26. Don’t condemn each other’s family and friends.
27. Lines, flaws and imperfections are beautiful.
28. Trust your instincts, but don’t be paranoid.
29. Don’t compromise your morals and values and don’t expect them to either.
30. Instead of power, aim for balance.
31. Space is needed to breathe and to grow.
32. Accept that you are both unique—never compare.
33. Have fun, laugh and play—a lot.
34. Be each other’s best friend.
35. Don’t play mind games.
36. Do not carelessly throw away love.
37. Don’t waste energy with negative thoughts.
38. Compliment often.
39. Discover each other.
40. Be attentive and understand what’s not said.
41. Do at least one romantic and thoughtful thing every day.
42. Take picnics and sleep under the stars.
43. Don’t just speak about it, show love.
44. Walk together, cook together, bathe together, read together.
45. Do not be afraid, love requires surrender.
46. Be loyal and faithful.
47. Trust.
48. Be grateful.
49. Fluidity is good, accept change.
50. Don’t sleep on a fight.
51. Don’t cling to it, know when to let go.
52. Discover what turns you both on and explore it.
53. Make love, but also f*ck (regularly).
54. Give and receive without measure.
55. Never gamble with what you can’t afford to lose.
I credit Elephant Journal and Alex Myles for her writing and intelligence...
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/11/55-rules-for-love/
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
Monday, September 7, 2015
A Little Update
The previous post, I thought had posted. It's been 3 weeks since I wrote that, and I was right.
I've spent the last 3 weekends with you. But I'm not sure what or if anything is going to happen.....
Yesterday and last night you were so distracted. I don't know what to think or say. You said that you were distracted because you hadn't left your kids for so long of a period during the day on a weekend, but I think it was whoever you were texting.
I'm not nosey. But gosh darn it. Why is this so difficult. Why?
Why me?
Monday, August 31, 2015
A Little Less Conventional
In an article published in March by Khara-Jade Warren on Elephant Journal, the author speaks majestic words about finding the right person to marry. After all, wouldn't you want to be with someone who loved you for you, and made you feel special without having to do anything? We all dream of (I, especially) the perfect relationship. But let's face it, it isn't always there. It can come at an awkward time in your life, when you least expect it, or it can be in front of your face the whole time.
I'm not sure (given my previous track record with guys) what my perspective is on relationships these days. I'm not sure if I should be looking left or right or up or down. I know that I have met some new men in the recent weeks that have made my brain dizzy with excitement. Some not so much.
I always seem to find the "complicated" situations, or put myself in sticky situations. I tend to fall WAY TOO easy for people, and I just don't know how to dig myself out of these instances. Take for example.... This guy. What am I supposed to do with him?
It's a funny.... Mysterious way that we met, and I'm sure glad that we did. I just hope something other than nothing comes out of this. It's weird and it's a complicated situation, but I'm glad the events that led up to it happened....
You have me intrigued, dear sir. Though, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling. I'm sure that by the time this is posted, that you'll be long gone.... And I don't want that to happen.
It just seems like that's how my life works these days.
Back to the article..... It's everything that I've ever wanted or dreamed about from a man. I think that it's my turn to finally be happy. Are you even out there?
Here's the text of the article with the link at the bottom:
Perhaps you are magical. Perhaps you already know it. I’m not sure about that, but I do know that you are also real.
Marry a man who knows you are both.
A man who can navigate the wild tangle of your mind, past the castles it builds and around the mythical creatures it conceives, to pursue the truth beneath your story.
A man who can kiss you both tenderly and fiercely. Whose hands you can trust to know your each freckle and fold and to hold you as you shudder with ecstasy or with grief. A man who can magic away all hurts for your children with those same lips, and teach the ultimate art of fort-building with those same hands.
A man who anchors you.
Such a man can look into your eyes and know your quiet power but patiently wipe away your loud, impetuous tears of frustration at things that don’t matter. Even when he knows you know better, are better.
Marry a man who adores your flesh and bones, who sees your heart, but doesn’t shy away from your ugliness, your realness. He isn’t bothered by your morning breath and (in emergencies only) lets you poop while he’s in the shower. He holds your hair back when you’ve had too many mojitos on your first night out together in years. He paints your toenails (messily) and trims your bush (delicately) when you’re so pregnant that you can no longer reach or see either. Just to help you feel sexy again. He is right there with you, holding your hand and giving you lollipops and sips of water through the birth of both your babies (even when you growl at him).
A man who rides the waves of your volatile emotions like an expert seaman through oceans of confusion, pain and self-pity. And he knows just how to steer you calmly back towards the shore of reason and balance. Every time.
A man who always sees your strength and beauty, even when you can’t. But he will call you on your bullshit too, even when you fool everyone else.
A man who knows that you can be marvellous and mundane at the same time and without conflict, because he understands the magic of the ordinary. He is the same.
A man who reads, questions, fantasizes and philosophizes but also has X-box binges, leaves his underwear on the bathroom floor and loves a good dirty joke. He is no less magical because of these things.
A man who will debate (and sometimes argue) with you way past midnight. You’ll talk about colonialism and education in Africa, whether there is a God and how to raise your rowdy 4-year-old son to be a good man.
Marry a man who will walk through life by your side. Through mistakes and heartbreak. Through charmed times and hard times, from holidays on the Italian coast to eggs on toast for dinner for the third time this week because things are tight. Through births and death, from deepest loss to greatest triumph and on all the ordinary days in between.
A man who will be your son’s hero: a man who ‘knows everything about the world’, according to him. A man who will encourage him to be curious, to find out how things work and how to improve them. He will change dirty nappies without flinching, make up nonsense lullabies and stay up late rocking a fussing baby so that you can get some sleep, even though he has go to work tomorrow.
A man who loves you for all that you are and despite all that you are. He is by your side not because of some vows he made or a spell you cast over him or because you are his fairy princess but because you are home.
What you have will be sometimes messy, sometimes difficult, sometimes complicated, not always magical but always, always real.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/03/marry-a-man-who-knows-you-are-real/ 
I'm not sure (given my previous track record with guys) what my perspective is on relationships these days. I'm not sure if I should be looking left or right or up or down. I know that I have met some new men in the recent weeks that have made my brain dizzy with excitement. Some not so much.
I always seem to find the "complicated" situations, or put myself in sticky situations. I tend to fall WAY TOO easy for people, and I just don't know how to dig myself out of these instances. Take for example.... This guy. What am I supposed to do with him?
It's a funny.... Mysterious way that we met, and I'm sure glad that we did. I just hope something other than nothing comes out of this. It's weird and it's a complicated situation, but I'm glad the events that led up to it happened....
You have me intrigued, dear sir. Though, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling. I'm sure that by the time this is posted, that you'll be long gone.... And I don't want that to happen.
It just seems like that's how my life works these days.
Back to the article..... It's everything that I've ever wanted or dreamed about from a man. I think that it's my turn to finally be happy. Are you even out there?
Here's the text of the article with the link at the bottom:
Perhaps you are magical. Perhaps you already know it. I’m not sure about that, but I do know that you are also real.
Marry a man who knows you are both.
A man who can navigate the wild tangle of your mind, past the castles it builds and around the mythical creatures it conceives, to pursue the truth beneath your story.
A man who can kiss you both tenderly and fiercely. Whose hands you can trust to know your each freckle and fold and to hold you as you shudder with ecstasy or with grief. A man who can magic away all hurts for your children with those same lips, and teach the ultimate art of fort-building with those same hands.
A man who anchors you.
Such a man can look into your eyes and know your quiet power but patiently wipe away your loud, impetuous tears of frustration at things that don’t matter. Even when he knows you know better, are better.
Marry a man who adores your flesh and bones, who sees your heart, but doesn’t shy away from your ugliness, your realness. He isn’t bothered by your morning breath and (in emergencies only) lets you poop while he’s in the shower. He holds your hair back when you’ve had too many mojitos on your first night out together in years. He paints your toenails (messily) and trims your bush (delicately) when you’re so pregnant that you can no longer reach or see either. Just to help you feel sexy again. He is right there with you, holding your hand and giving you lollipops and sips of water through the birth of both your babies (even when you growl at him).
A man who rides the waves of your volatile emotions like an expert seaman through oceans of confusion, pain and self-pity. And he knows just how to steer you calmly back towards the shore of reason and balance. Every time.
A man who always sees your strength and beauty, even when you can’t. But he will call you on your bullshit too, even when you fool everyone else.
A man who knows that you can be marvellous and mundane at the same time and without conflict, because he understands the magic of the ordinary. He is the same.
A man who reads, questions, fantasizes and philosophizes but also has X-box binges, leaves his underwear on the bathroom floor and loves a good dirty joke. He is no less magical because of these things.
A man who will debate (and sometimes argue) with you way past midnight. You’ll talk about colonialism and education in Africa, whether there is a God and how to raise your rowdy 4-year-old son to be a good man.
Marry a man who will walk through life by your side. Through mistakes and heartbreak. Through charmed times and hard times, from holidays on the Italian coast to eggs on toast for dinner for the third time this week because things are tight. Through births and death, from deepest loss to greatest triumph and on all the ordinary days in between.
A man who will be your son’s hero: a man who ‘knows everything about the world’, according to him. A man who will encourage him to be curious, to find out how things work and how to improve them. He will change dirty nappies without flinching, make up nonsense lullabies and stay up late rocking a fussing baby so that you can get some sleep, even though he has go to work tomorrow.
A man who loves you for all that you are and despite all that you are. He is by your side not because of some vows he made or a spell you cast over him or because you are his fairy princess but because you are home.
What you have will be sometimes messy, sometimes difficult, sometimes complicated, not always magical but always, always real.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/03/marry-a-man-who-knows-you-are-real/
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Reliving Haunting Memories of My Past Relationships....
Something flew across my Facebook feed this morning, and I feel compelled to share this article.
My marriage ended when my husband cheated on me - with my best friend (at the time). He said he "fell out of love with me" before we got married, but thought that things would change, and proceeded to marry me, anyways.
With the recent news about the Ashley Madison information leak, I will share this little piece of information - My husband after we separated, created an account, as did I. It was on that site that I contacted him (because his user name and password were sent to an email address that I was privy enough to have the password too) and I set up a profile with a fake name, a fake email address, and information. It was here that I contacted him and paralleled "my life" to "our relationship" by only changing a few small things.
After talking to him for a day or so, I gave him a fake email address to contact me through, where in the span of 2 weeks, over 400 emails were sent back and forth. He sent pictures, as did I of myself (without the face and carefully taking pics around my VERY obvious tattoos). It was through these emails that my husband gave me all the details of not only the first affair, but the second one he had. I was devastated. The night before I left Miami and my husband, I put the emails and pictures in an envelope, and literally caught him with his pants down. He claims he was trapped. I claimed that I was smarter than a 5th grader.
He's still with the girl he had the second affair with.
My relationship with Aaron ended with him cheating on me - for AT LEAST 6 months last year. I found the pictures and videos (yes, videos) on his computer to prove it. And when confronted with it, he tried to deny everything, until I sent him one of the videos and he was caught. Red. Handed. He claimed it was an "urge." Funny, it was with a co-worker, who I later learned "was his best friend," whom he never spoke about in the 2 years we dated.
He's now living with and dating the girl he cheated on me with.
I guess the moral of this story, is the article that flew through my feed.
It's quite lengthy, and I'll paste it below, but I'll also post the link to the website at the bottom of the post. The article sums up everything that I went through in my fury of leaving both relationships. I wish I had seen this sooner.
Dear Mistress,
I have something to say to you.
Don’t worry, this will be brief.
I really didn’t think we’d hear from you again. I was under the impression that you were gone forever. I thought we had dismantled your body and dissolved the remains. Yet, judging by the sight of your tear stains and the lingering stench of low self-worth, that is not the case.
You’ve somehow crawled your way out of that dark, abandoned hovel where we banished your memory.
You must have been waiting for the perfect moment to reappear.
When everything seemed to be so promising and so pleasant.
When life was flowing effortlessly in our favored direction.
When we felt free to inhale and exhale with only the sweetest of breaths.
Well, I can’t say that it’s good to see you again.
But, perhaps it is.
Because now I can finally tell you what I really think of you.
Now I have an opportunity to put you in your rightful place.
You see, mistress, this is not your place.
You don’t belong here.
You don’t belong in this void in which you have wedged yourself, somewhere between approval and rejection.
You don’t belong in the pause, the haze, the in-between.
You don’t belong in the maybe, the I’m not sure, the until something better comes along.
I know it may seem like this is home. But this is not your home.
You’ve just gotten used to these paper-thin prison walls.
I know you.
I know that you willingly give your love to those who can only toss it aside. Because you are terrified of what would happen if someone actually loved you back.
I know you only get involved with men who treat you like a pitstop on their way to greater destination.
I know you blame them. But they are not culprits, monsters, or the evil manipulators you may want them to be.
You are the only one responsible for putting yourself here. You are the only one to blame.
You are not a victim to anything except your lack of self-consideration.
Life will give you more of what you give to it.
If you show disregard for that heart that beats through you and as you, life will only bring you those people who will do the same.
Because while you may pretend that everything is okay as it is, while you may project a false air of self-reliant indifference, while you may act as if you don’t care for the ones that share your bed,
I know that you are lying.
I know that you want more than what you’ve been getting.
I know that you want something genuine, something reciprocal, something real.
I know that you want to feel loved as I am loved.
It might be scary to ask for it, but I know you want it.
And now I need to tell you, since you clearly don’t believe it:
Mistress, you are lovable and you are loved.
You are no one’s second choice.
You are no one’s back up plan.
You are no one’s side gig, part-time hole, some time hearth.
You are not a convenient object of use.
You are not a casual hobby or a passing fad.
You are not a receptacle for emotions, worries or bodily fluids.
You are someone to be admired.
You are someone to be adored.
You are someone to be sure about.
All of you is desirable.
Mistress, all of you is lovable and all of you is loved.
You do not have to settle for bits of fickle attention.
You do not have to hold onto scraps of false affection.
You are deserving of an entire feast of love.
Sweet talk will coat your ears and rot your heart.
Promises mean nothing when not intended to be kept.
You can learn the difference between authentic and illusory.
You can learn to trust your instinct.
You will never again have to feel used.
You will never again have to feel needy.
You will never again have to coerce, pressure, or force someone’s commitment.
Because mistress, you are lovable and you are loved.
You are always loved by the infinite presence that created you.
Call it God, call it the Universe, call it whatever you will.
Life created you just as you are.
And it loves you just as you are.
You can feel this love whenever you want to.
It is always present and it is always yours.
You are connected to all of life.
When you have love for yourself, you have love for all of life.
And when you love all of life, it will love you right back.
In a way you always hoped you’d be loved.
In a way you never before have allowed yourself to be.
Remember and live this truth.
Life will always match you at the level of your truth.
And at some point, life will bring you another person who values you as much as you value yourself.
When you truly feel this—when you trust this like you trust your pulse—then you will find yourself in the position in which I stand
Contrary to what you may have thought, I don’t hate you. In fact, it is quite the opposite.
I only hold the highest of hopes and intentions for you.
Because I was you and I am you.
Because I love you and I love us.
With immense respect and an infinity of gratitude,
~ Wife
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/08/a-letter-to-the-mistress-from-the-wife/
My marriage ended when my husband cheated on me - with my best friend (at the time). He said he "fell out of love with me" before we got married, but thought that things would change, and proceeded to marry me, anyways.
With the recent news about the Ashley Madison information leak, I will share this little piece of information - My husband after we separated, created an account, as did I. It was on that site that I contacted him (because his user name and password were sent to an email address that I was privy enough to have the password too) and I set up a profile with a fake name, a fake email address, and information. It was here that I contacted him and paralleled "my life" to "our relationship" by only changing a few small things.
After talking to him for a day or so, I gave him a fake email address to contact me through, where in the span of 2 weeks, over 400 emails were sent back and forth. He sent pictures, as did I of myself (without the face and carefully taking pics around my VERY obvious tattoos). It was through these emails that my husband gave me all the details of not only the first affair, but the second one he had. I was devastated. The night before I left Miami and my husband, I put the emails and pictures in an envelope, and literally caught him with his pants down. He claims he was trapped. I claimed that I was smarter than a 5th grader.
He's still with the girl he had the second affair with.
My relationship with Aaron ended with him cheating on me - for AT LEAST 6 months last year. I found the pictures and videos (yes, videos) on his computer to prove it. And when confronted with it, he tried to deny everything, until I sent him one of the videos and he was caught. Red. Handed. He claimed it was an "urge." Funny, it was with a co-worker, who I later learned "was his best friend," whom he never spoke about in the 2 years we dated.
He's now living with and dating the girl he cheated on me with.
I guess the moral of this story, is the article that flew through my feed.
It's quite lengthy, and I'll paste it below, but I'll also post the link to the website at the bottom of the post. The article sums up everything that I went through in my fury of leaving both relationships. I wish I had seen this sooner.
Dear Mistress,
I have something to say to you.
Don’t worry, this will be brief.
I really didn’t think we’d hear from you again. I was under the impression that you were gone forever. I thought we had dismantled your body and dissolved the remains. Yet, judging by the sight of your tear stains and the lingering stench of low self-worth, that is not the case.
You’ve somehow crawled your way out of that dark, abandoned hovel where we banished your memory.
You must have been waiting for the perfect moment to reappear.
When everything seemed to be so promising and so pleasant.
When life was flowing effortlessly in our favored direction.
When we felt free to inhale and exhale with only the sweetest of breaths.
Well, I can’t say that it’s good to see you again.
But, perhaps it is.
Because now I can finally tell you what I really think of you.
Now I have an opportunity to put you in your rightful place.
You see, mistress, this is not your place.
You don’t belong here.
You don’t belong in this void in which you have wedged yourself, somewhere between approval and rejection.
You don’t belong in the pause, the haze, the in-between.
You don’t belong in the maybe, the I’m not sure, the until something better comes along.
I know it may seem like this is home. But this is not your home.
You’ve just gotten used to these paper-thin prison walls.
I know you.
I know that you willingly give your love to those who can only toss it aside. Because you are terrified of what would happen if someone actually loved you back.
I know you only get involved with men who treat you like a pitstop on their way to greater destination.
I know you blame them. But they are not culprits, monsters, or the evil manipulators you may want them to be.
You are the only one responsible for putting yourself here. You are the only one to blame.
You are not a victim to anything except your lack of self-consideration.
Life will give you more of what you give to it.
If you show disregard for that heart that beats through you and as you, life will only bring you those people who will do the same.
Because while you may pretend that everything is okay as it is, while you may project a false air of self-reliant indifference, while you may act as if you don’t care for the ones that share your bed,
I know that you are lying.
I know that you want more than what you’ve been getting.
I know that you want something genuine, something reciprocal, something real.
I know that you want to feel loved as I am loved.
It might be scary to ask for it, but I know you want it.
And now I need to tell you, since you clearly don’t believe it:
Mistress, you are lovable and you are loved.
You are no one’s second choice.
You are no one’s back up plan.
You are no one’s side gig, part-time hole, some time hearth.
You are not a convenient object of use.
You are not a casual hobby or a passing fad.
You are not a receptacle for emotions, worries or bodily fluids.
You are someone to be admired.
You are someone to be adored.
You are someone to be sure about.
All of you is desirable.
Mistress, all of you is lovable and all of you is loved.
You do not have to settle for bits of fickle attention.
You do not have to hold onto scraps of false affection.
You are deserving of an entire feast of love.
Sweet talk will coat your ears and rot your heart.
Promises mean nothing when not intended to be kept.
You can learn the difference between authentic and illusory.
You can learn to trust your instinct.
You will never again have to feel used.
You will never again have to feel needy.
You will never again have to coerce, pressure, or force someone’s commitment.
Because mistress, you are lovable and you are loved.
You are always loved by the infinite presence that created you.
Call it God, call it the Universe, call it whatever you will.
Life created you just as you are.
And it loves you just as you are.
You can feel this love whenever you want to.
It is always present and it is always yours.
You are connected to all of life.
When you have love for yourself, you have love for all of life.
And when you love all of life, it will love you right back.
In a way you always hoped you’d be loved.
In a way you never before have allowed yourself to be.
Remember and live this truth.
Life will always match you at the level of your truth.
And at some point, life will bring you another person who values you as much as you value yourself.
When you truly feel this—when you trust this like you trust your pulse—then you will find yourself in the position in which I stand
Contrary to what you may have thought, I don’t hate you. In fact, it is quite the opposite.
I only hold the highest of hopes and intentions for you.
Because I was you and I am you.
Because I love you and I love us.
With immense respect and an infinity of gratitude,
~ Wife
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/08/a-letter-to-the-mistress-from-the-wife/
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Life Without You....
What took you so long to get here?
It has been only a few months since I last saw your eyes, but it feels like it's been a lifetime.
When I see you again, will you look different? Will I look different? Or will be go back to our eternal stage of love?
Will you feel the same? Or will be be total strangers?
Since you've been gone, I've been an emotional wreck, sometimes lashing out and crying hysterically. Sometimes I've managed to keep it together, and act as normal as possible.
Our love was so short lived, but so delicate. I've felt that way before, but with you, there was something different. It's something that I want to feel again, but don't know if it's possible just yet.
For so many different reasons, some of which I still can't explain, I feel that you were put in my life at a delicate point, a point where I needed to open my eyes and realize what was going on in my life. There is a wave of sadness that washes over me when I think of you, and when I think of what your family has gone through and continues to go through.
I'm worried that I will never find love again. That I will never know what it's like to be loved and to feel happy again. I don't know if it's all necessary because of how you came into and left my life, but I think that it's a culmination of everything that has happened over the past 8 years of my life. I have been through so much, and no one seems to understand, nor do they want to take the time to figure out what I'm going through.
I just wish that someone would understand, or take the time to ask me how I'm doing or what I'm planning on doing with my life.
Everything right now is just a big blur of emotions and actions. I think that I just need to run away from the situation, though it's probably not the best, but I think it would be for the best in the end. There might be someone coming with me.... If the job is there and if it is something that is feasible, then I am going to jump at the chance to get out for a while. Maybe I just go down for a year... Maybe I make it where I settle for a few years. I'm not sure.
One thing that I know for sure is that I miss you with every breath that I take. Every thought that I make. Everything that I do...
I just wish you would let me know that you are OK. Come back to me. I wait for you every night in my dreams. I wait for that moment to touch you, kiss you, hug you... Even if it's in a dream. I long for it. I long for you to come back, or give me a sign to know that you're around me. I just wish you could be here with me. Hold me at night. Hold my hand. Kiss me. I miss everything about you, even if our lives were so short lived together.
Lane, sweet Lane... You are my hero. My love. I will never forget you.
~A~
It has been only a few months since I last saw your eyes, but it feels like it's been a lifetime.
When I see you again, will you look different? Will I look different? Or will be go back to our eternal stage of love?
Will you feel the same? Or will be be total strangers?
Since you've been gone, I've been an emotional wreck, sometimes lashing out and crying hysterically. Sometimes I've managed to keep it together, and act as normal as possible.
Our love was so short lived, but so delicate. I've felt that way before, but with you, there was something different. It's something that I want to feel again, but don't know if it's possible just yet.
For so many different reasons, some of which I still can't explain, I feel that you were put in my life at a delicate point, a point where I needed to open my eyes and realize what was going on in my life. There is a wave of sadness that washes over me when I think of you, and when I think of what your family has gone through and continues to go through.
I'm worried that I will never find love again. That I will never know what it's like to be loved and to feel happy again. I don't know if it's all necessary because of how you came into and left my life, but I think that it's a culmination of everything that has happened over the past 8 years of my life. I have been through so much, and no one seems to understand, nor do they want to take the time to figure out what I'm going through.
I just wish that someone would understand, or take the time to ask me how I'm doing or what I'm planning on doing with my life.
Everything right now is just a big blur of emotions and actions. I think that I just need to run away from the situation, though it's probably not the best, but I think it would be for the best in the end. There might be someone coming with me.... If the job is there and if it is something that is feasible, then I am going to jump at the chance to get out for a while. Maybe I just go down for a year... Maybe I make it where I settle for a few years. I'm not sure.
One thing that I know for sure is that I miss you with every breath that I take. Every thought that I make. Everything that I do...
I just wish you would let me know that you are OK. Come back to me. I wait for you every night in my dreams. I wait for that moment to touch you, kiss you, hug you... Even if it's in a dream. I long for it. I long for you to come back, or give me a sign to know that you're around me. I just wish you could be here with me. Hold me at night. Hold my hand. Kiss me. I miss everything about you, even if our lives were so short lived together.
Lane, sweet Lane... You are my hero. My love. I will never forget you.
~A~
Saturday, July 25, 2015
2 months....
2 months have passed since you were in tour accident. There isn't a day that I don't think about you, think about where we could have been, and what we could have been doing.
2 months have passed with many sleepless nights logged. Many drinks consumed. Way too many tears shed.
I can't believe it's already been 2 months.
Lane, you were way too sweet, too caring, too lovely to be taken.
I wish there was one more day that I could spend with you. Hold your hand. Feel your heartbeat as we slept on your twin bed....
There won't be a day that doesn't pass, that you won't be forgotten.
I love you Sweets.... I can't wait to see you again, and finally be in your arms.... You'll forever be in my heart and deep in my soul....
Monday, July 20, 2015
3 Year Update
In a post I made just shy of 3 years ago, I was in a transitional period in my life. Again, I'm in that transition. I'll update the thoughts from 3 years ago....
July 27, 2012
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm really ready for school to be over with... I've contemplated taking a semester off to basically just re-group, but am really scared that if I do that, then I won't go back to school. So, I'm not doing it.
----UPDATE---- I'm still in school. Never took any time off. I have roughly one more year to go.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm still adjusting to being home and that life still feels out of sorts. I still have my good days and my bad days, and lately the good days are out-weighing the bad, but nevertheless, I still have them.
----UPDATE---- I'm transitioning all over the place. I'm not living at home, per say, but am living with friends. Not the most ideal situation, but it's better than nothing. Right?
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm ready to get back into running, though I'm still apprehensive about it. With work and school right now, finding the time to sleep, run and accomplish everything else is extremely challenging. I'll figure it out, but it's going to take some time.
----UPDATE---- I'm slowly getting back on the running bandwagon. I've logged about 30 miles in the past 2 weeks. Sore from time to time, but it's a good sore.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm looking forward to the end of the summer and the heat. This year seems so much worse than previous years, and it's taking a toll on everyone. I'm ready for cooler weather.
----UPDATE---- Same thoughts, 3 years later.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that school is stressing me out because I'm scared I'm going to run out of money before I'm even done with classes. Which, won't surprise me, but now I'm seriously asking myself why I didn't just buy a house.
----UPDATE---- Yep, ran out of that money, but have been able to secure private loans to finish school with. I should have just bought a house.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that finances are tough right now. But I'm still trying to play catch up from having to move and everything associated with that. I know it's been almost 3 months, but I'm also still trying to figure everything out.
----UPDATE---- Yep, still in the same situation, but am TRYING to make things better.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that my friends are the most amazing people in the world. After moving back, they opened their arms and hearts to someone who left 6 years ago. I'm thankful for their every waking moments.
----UPDATE---- Same great friends. I love them to pieces.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I never saw myself back home, in the town that I grew up in. I was afraid of leaving at first, but made the best choice of my life to leave. It's unfortunate the circumstances that brought me back, but at this point, I wouldn't change anything. I just have to keep moving forward.
----UPDATE---- Same thoughts 3 years later. I will move forward at some point, I just don't know when.
Keep moving forward.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm falling for you. I fell for you 6 years ago, but we were both young and naive. I fell for your strong hands, amazing heart, baby blue eyes, and the person that I saw deep down inside of you. I'm falling for you all over again, or maybe I never lost the feelings, but just tucked them deep down inside because I thought that I had lost you. A feeling that I don't want to ever experience again. A feeling that I have to try to avoid, and am
working diligently on not experiencing again.
----UPDATE---- Adam and I never became anything that we said we would. He moved back to Boston after selling his house, and I started dating Aaron. We all know how that ended. I haven't spoken to Adam since February, but saw him over the holidays when he was visiting his parents. He's now dating someone in Boston. We have found each other numerous times over the years, and who knows, we might find each other again.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that you have made this transition in my life a lot easier. You've been there for me when I needed to talk, have given me advice, and have told me not to dwell on the past, but to live in the here and now. You have showed me that anything can be overcome, especially all that you have gone through. If you can make it out alive, then I can too. Many people have it a lot worse than me, including you, and that I should be grateful for the position that I'm in....
----UPDATE---- Adam helped me so much in the first few months that I was home and with him. Unfortunately, we couldn't make it work. Adam saw me through the hurt and pain of another failed relationship with Aaron, and I thought things were FINALLY looking up for us. I was wrong.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I love you.
I did love Adam, and still do to this day. We have 9 years of history together. It's just sad that our lives will never be one again.
----UPDATE---- Aaron and I started what seemed like an amazing relationship in October 2012. That failed miserably when he ended our relationship the same way that my marriage ended. After Aaron, Lane came into my life, just when I needed a fresh breath of air. Lane is now gone, not by choice, but tragically in an accident Memorial Day Weekend. I have horrible guilt that still hangs over me, and I have acted out in ways that I shouldn't. I don't know how to deal with his death, and it's going to take me a long time to get over it. I will grieve the way that I need to.
Right now I am talking to someone, though don't know where, or if, it will lead anywhere. We've been talking for 2 weeks, which is longer than anyone else, and hope to make plans for this weekend. Though I don't want to jinx anything, but that's how I'm feeling. I'm feeling that this might go somewhere more than anything has lately.
~A~
July 27, 2012
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm really ready for school to be over with... I've contemplated taking a semester off to basically just re-group, but am really scared that if I do that, then I won't go back to school. So, I'm not doing it.
----UPDATE---- I'm still in school. Never took any time off. I have roughly one more year to go.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm still adjusting to being home and that life still feels out of sorts. I still have my good days and my bad days, and lately the good days are out-weighing the bad, but nevertheless, I still have them.
----UPDATE---- I'm transitioning all over the place. I'm not living at home, per say, but am living with friends. Not the most ideal situation, but it's better than nothing. Right?
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm ready to get back into running, though I'm still apprehensive about it. With work and school right now, finding the time to sleep, run and accomplish everything else is extremely challenging. I'll figure it out, but it's going to take some time.
----UPDATE---- I'm slowly getting back on the running bandwagon. I've logged about 30 miles in the past 2 weeks. Sore from time to time, but it's a good sore.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm looking forward to the end of the summer and the heat. This year seems so much worse than previous years, and it's taking a toll on everyone. I'm ready for cooler weather.
----UPDATE---- Same thoughts, 3 years later.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that school is stressing me out because I'm scared I'm going to run out of money before I'm even done with classes. Which, won't surprise me, but now I'm seriously asking myself why I didn't just buy a house.
----UPDATE---- Yep, ran out of that money, but have been able to secure private loans to finish school with. I should have just bought a house.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that finances are tough right now. But I'm still trying to play catch up from having to move and everything associated with that. I know it's been almost 3 months, but I'm also still trying to figure everything out.
----UPDATE---- Yep, still in the same situation, but am TRYING to make things better.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that my friends are the most amazing people in the world. After moving back, they opened their arms and hearts to someone who left 6 years ago. I'm thankful for their every waking moments.
----UPDATE---- Same great friends. I love them to pieces.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I never saw myself back home, in the town that I grew up in. I was afraid of leaving at first, but made the best choice of my life to leave. It's unfortunate the circumstances that brought me back, but at this point, I wouldn't change anything. I just have to keep moving forward.
----UPDATE---- Same thoughts 3 years later. I will move forward at some point, I just don't know when.
Keep moving forward.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I'm falling for you. I fell for you 6 years ago, but we were both young and naive. I fell for your strong hands, amazing heart, baby blue eyes, and the person that I saw deep down inside of you. I'm falling for you all over again, or maybe I never lost the feelings, but just tucked them deep down inside because I thought that I had lost you. A feeling that I don't want to ever experience again. A feeling that I have to try to avoid, and am
working diligently on not experiencing again.
----UPDATE---- Adam and I never became anything that we said we would. He moved back to Boston after selling his house, and I started dating Aaron. We all know how that ended. I haven't spoken to Adam since February, but saw him over the holidays when he was visiting his parents. He's now dating someone in Boston. We have found each other numerous times over the years, and who knows, we might find each other again.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that you have made this transition in my life a lot easier. You've been there for me when I needed to talk, have given me advice, and have told me not to dwell on the past, but to live in the here and now. You have showed me that anything can be overcome, especially all that you have gone through. If you can make it out alive, then I can too. Many people have it a lot worse than me, including you, and that I should be grateful for the position that I'm in....
----UPDATE---- Adam helped me so much in the first few months that I was home and with him. Unfortunately, we couldn't make it work. Adam saw me through the hurt and pain of another failed relationship with Aaron, and I thought things were FINALLY looking up for us. I was wrong.
If you asked me, I'd tell you that I love you.
I did love Adam, and still do to this day. We have 9 years of history together. It's just sad that our lives will never be one again.
----UPDATE---- Aaron and I started what seemed like an amazing relationship in October 2012. That failed miserably when he ended our relationship the same way that my marriage ended. After Aaron, Lane came into my life, just when I needed a fresh breath of air. Lane is now gone, not by choice, but tragically in an accident Memorial Day Weekend. I have horrible guilt that still hangs over me, and I have acted out in ways that I shouldn't. I don't know how to deal with his death, and it's going to take me a long time to get over it. I will grieve the way that I need to.
Right now I am talking to someone, though don't know where, or if, it will lead anywhere. We've been talking for 2 weeks, which is longer than anyone else, and hope to make plans for this weekend. Though I don't want to jinx anything, but that's how I'm feeling. I'm feeling that this might go somewhere more than anything has lately.
~A~
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